Life After A Miscarriage

“Sometimes women who are trying to conceive finally go to a doctor to see if there’s anything wrong and in that process they get pregnant….” the doctor explained to me after years of me trying to get pregnant.  I couldn’t help but feel awkward at his office, but hey I needed answers.  We went through certain procedures we could try to see if there was anything wrong with me and I’m not going to lie I felt horrible.  Embarrassed a little bit to have to sit there and question a doctor on my ability to have more kids.  I honestly walked outta there knowing exactly that I wasn’t going to go through what he had suggested, for me it was better to not know.

Weeks later I took a test and to my surprise it was positive!  It was one of those $1 ones that I always have laying around so with only telling my husband I called quickly to made an appointment with my OB.  When my doctor (the same one I went to before) saw me he was really happy.  He had a smile from ear to ear! I think he was happier than me! He continued on to say “See I told you these things happen all the time…!!”  It was a process though, I had to go back many times to check my HGC levels to see if I was indeed pregnant, my period wasn’t that late so it was still early on.  He tried to hear the baby’s heartbeat but there was nothing, he explained it was probably too soon and that I shouldn’t freak out.  I was ecstatic!  I was finally pregnant!  Things were finally working out! We were moving to Florida soon and I just felt that everything was falling into place.  He sent me for a sonogram and I went with Hommy & Jaiden.  It was kind of a surprise for Jaiden, we hadn’t told him yet so I brought him with us so he could witness what was going on.  The Ultrasound Tech sent me to change into a gown and I used the bathroom. I noticed some brown spotting and I kind of freaked out a bit but to me it didn’t look like blood and I had read that women can spot a little while pregnant.  Everything went well during the ultrasound, the baby’s heart beat was fine and everything was finally confirmed. I WAS PREGNANT!

I had a follow up with my OB one day and I just felt weird. I didn’t know what it was. I just felt uneasy and not like myself.  My husband took me to the appointment and Jaiden was with us and I remember telling him to wait in the car with Jaiden.  I don’t remember what excuse I gave him but I told him I would text him when I was sitting with the doctor so they could come in.  He agreed.  My doctor was cheerful as ever! He said the ultrasound he had sent me for before had come out fine and he proceeded to check for himself.  I still hadn’t texted Hommy to come in.. I still felt like something was wrong.  As my OB proceeded with his exam I could see his face drop while looking at the screen.  I tried to stay calm but I knew something was wrong, his whole mood changed but I knew he was trying not to show it.  He gulped and he said ” THE BABY HAS NOT GROWN SINCE YOUR LAST ULTRASOUND…”  I knew he knew more but he just didn’t want to tell…YET.  He told me to get dressed and to wait in the waiting room so that I could see another tech that was visiting the office that had a better machine. So I did just that.  Hommy must of texted me like 10 times asking me what was taking so long and if he could come in, I kept ignoring him.  When I went to the other tech she checked me and she took lots of pictures and I remember them looking at each other but not saying anything.  At that moment I already knew I had lost my baby.  I sat in his office shaking and he walked in not in the same cheerful mood as always.  He just sat there for a few seconds but to me felt like hours in silence.  I remember my eyes watered and I looked at him and said “I lost it right?” and he dropped his head and looked back up and said “I’m so sorry…” I remember not wanting to let out all my sadness and anger in his office so I just asked the normal questions like why, and what happens now.  He said sometimes things like this happen, “the fetus just aborts itself” and that it’s not the moms fault.  I asked him when will I start bleeding and he said every woman is different, it could be tomorrow or in a couple of weeks.  I had 3 options, I could wait until it happens naturally, I could take a pill called “MISOPROSTOL” that causes uterine contractions and miscarriage (basically it speeds up the natural process) or a surgical procedure called a D&C which basically empties the uterus.  I told him I would think about it.  I just wanted to get out of there.

When I got in the car Hommy was so mad but I just cried.  I told him and he was in shock.  I know that he didn’t know how to console me and that was fine, when you’re that sad and angry you don’t really want to hear anything.  Lucky for me Jaiden was asleep in the car, I don’t know what I would have said if he had asked me what was wrong.  I decided to go with the D&C.  I felt that it gave me a sense of closure.  And lets be honest, I didn’t want to wait, I wanted it out and I wanted this whole thing to be over.  Not to mention he did explain to me that even if you chose to miscarry naturally there is still a chance that you might end up needing a D&C anyway.  My D&C was scheduled for 2 days after I found out I had lost my baby.  Aside from the 2 days in between finding out and having the procedure that I cried my eyes out and laid in bed crying I tried not to cry anymore and if I did I cried alone. In the shower, in the car, while cooking, anytime I was alone I would cry …but never in front of Hommy or Jaiden.  I wondered WHY a lot, I know I didn’t show it but that question was always burning in my head.  I’m never going to stop wondering why, and even though I’m pregnant now I still think about how my baby would have been just turned 1.  To some a miscarriage is just a miscarriage, and that its something that happens to a lot of women, and yes it does happen often but you never expect it to happen to you.  It takes a toll on you as a woman.  You start to wonder if there’s anything wrong with you.  They don’t understand that a part of you dies when you miscarry.  A part of me definitely died when my baby died,  I’m pregnant now and I thank god everyday that I am but as sad as it sounds that joy I feel I’m supposed to have is no longer there.  Its been replaced with worry. If I sneeze too hard I think I’m going to lose this one.  Yes it’s that serious.

I chose to write about this because although it’s a painful memory I’m sure other women can relate.  I know it helps me to read about things instead of trying to get over things alone. You can’t rely on other people to ease your pain after a miscarriage , you have to do it on your own.  The strength to continue to try to conceive afterwards has to come from within yourself.  I hope that whoever is reading this if you’ve gone through a miscarriage know that you are not alone.  Also know that if a miscarriage is going to happen there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it and it is NOT your fault.